I have reached a wall which I cannot climb over, push through, nor go around. I feel blocked…mentally, physically, emotionally, even creatively with this blog. I’ve reached a point where it feels like doing the best that I am able to do is not good enough. It’s not good enough to lose weight and inches and it’s not good enough to satisfy the trainers and it’s not good enough for me. I’ve been doing this for just about nine weeks now so I thought there would be skills that I would be able to handle more easily (but still get a good workout). On Saturday, for instance, at boot camp, the sand was deep and soft but it may as well have been quicksand. I could not move my legs; they were like lead balloons all day. I did not have the heart to do any of the workouts. I did them, of course, but I did not want to be there at all.
I don’t think it’s possible for me to reach my goal of 50 lbs lost by the time I leave. The two weeks which my arm prevented me from doing 100% have set me back a lot. Last week, even though I burned more calories than I ate, I didn’t lose a single pound and I only lost 1 inch. This week, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see any improvement. In fact, I think my belly looks bigger. And I don’t know why! I’ve not cheated on the food and have only missed 2 ½ days of workouts out of the 61 days so far. I’ve not had a drop of alcohol nor caffeine. I worked out my upper body more in the last week, too – I still can’t do heavy weights, but I am able to do the machines and some lighter free weights. I’m jogging for longer periods of a time and I’m using cardio machines which get my heart rate to my fat-burning and cardio zones faster; i.e., I’m using the bikes and treadmills less and using the elliptical cross-trainer and stair monster more. Yet, with all this, I do not feel great anymore. I get measured tomorrow and I’m confident that it will not be a good one; I can just tell by the way I look and feel. Now, every morning I DO dread going to the gym. I thought taking most of the day off last Wednesday would have helped, but my mind and body will not let me get out of this funk. And what’s really driving me mad is that I can’t figure out why! I will still persevere and endure, but I’ve stopped caring. I just wish my time at the camp was over so that I can move on and work on this myself.
I had hoped that going out for dinner and seeing a local play would have helped me, too. Claudette is a fantastic-looking 52 y/o woman who joins us on Saturdays for the beach boot camp. The beach boot camps are open to anyone who is brave enough to join in. I believe Claudette actually was a client of Camp Technique a few years ago and thus uses Saturdays as one of her weekly workouts. Claudette is also on the board of The Actors Gang, a local, small theatre company which Tim Robbins and friends started over twenty years ago. Claudette invited anyone from the camp who wanted to attend to join her on opening night of “Our Town” (yes, the play we’ve all read in high school). Only Belinda (from Mississippi) and I ended up going, and what a shame that more of them didn’t come with us because we had a wonderful evening. I know all my Bermuda friends know that I was active with the Bermuda Musical & Dramatic Society and The Gilbert & Sullivan Society, so I was thrilled to be in this environment again. Before the play we went for sushi and Claudette’s boyfriend joined us. And it was a chance to be dressed like real humans again. As it was 4 weeks since the last time (the barbecue social) we dressed up, both Belinda and I were wearing smaller clothes! Actually, Belinda was wearing a smaller dress, and I was wearing jeans that were too big (and that had been too TIGHT nine weeks ago). I’m still wearing the same bras, however, I have to use the tighter hooks in the back (yaaay!). It was Belinda’s first time ever having sushi and using chopsticks and my first time having sushi in over four months. Happily Belinda enjoyed the meal and did very well with her chopsticks experience. I could not get enough of the edamame and the ginger. Yum! We also tried some cooked Black Cod and the “collar” meat of salmon, also cooked. Yum again! No sake, of course. Still sticking to the no alcohol rule. But I was DYING for some. After dinner we headed across the street to The Actors Gang theatre (http://www.theactorsgang.com). The building and stage are much bigger than Daylesford’s (i.e., BMDS for you non-Bermuda folks), but Daylesford has a real bar. TAG does not have a liquor license, actually, so they can serve alcohol and ask for donations. The seats are cushy and bigger than those at Daylesford; there’s more leg room (so tall people don’t have to have their knees up to their chins) and the seats are arranged in more stadium style. There are only 99 seats though. Claudette commented that she’s always surprised at how they transform the look of the stage every time – well I could definitely relate to that, knowing how BMDS’ stage is always surprising for each production. The actors in this troupe are professionals. Maybe not so famous, but as we are in Los Angeles, pretty much most of them have been in movies or TV at some point. Tim Robbins wasn’t there for opening night, unfortunately. No matter…it was a full house, which I love. As a performer, it sucks to be on stage and see an empty seat, so full houses are always the best. And Opening Night crowds are even better ‘cause you know that every person in that audience is rooting for you to do your very best. This production is a non-equity production, which means that the theatre doesn’t have to pay union fees and thus even non-union actors may perform (as they are all paid, but a very, very small amount). It was an excellent show. I must admit that “Our Town” is not one of my favorites, but if a play is done well, that doesn’t matter to me. All aspects of the play were excellent. The acting, the costumes, the scenery, etc. It was a very well-produced play and I was thrilled to be there. Afterwards, we met several of the cast members, and if Belinda and I had not been up past our bedtime (normally 10pm), I would have liked to stay there a few more hours just chatting with the whole theatre crowd – I’m sure it would have felt just like being back at Daylesford (sans booze, of course). We returned home around midnight. Yikes…I’m NEVER up until midnight anymore. Soooooo not like when I was running eMoo, eh? With eMoo I NEVER went to bed before 1am, and most nights I was up until at least 2am. While I was feeling somewhat exhilarated after the sushi and the play and being around the theatre crowd, I was very tired and soon asleep.
On Sunday morning, I let myself sleep in later than usual since I didn’t have to report to the gym until 10am. Despite having a great night out, I was dreading going to the gym. I don’t know what it will take to shake this feeling. I did go to the gym and did the 50-Reps workout, and I was able to do all the upper body machines with light weights on them (whereas LAST Saturday, I could not). The Stair Monster wasn’t working though…gotta get someone to check on that. And now this morning, as I finish up the weekend’s blog and keep checking the clock, I have no desire to go to the gym. Today I have cardio, a 1-on-1 session, a massage, spinning, a gym boot camp, and the Santa Monica Stairs. Last week I did 5 ½ ascents so I will try to do more this time. But like Friday, I wonder if I will even care at the end of it. Maybe I will, ‘cause I’ll take the Stairs over the Dunes. Sigh….3 more weeks to go. I need some magic words. Or at least some magic fairy dust.
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