Day Sixty-Six – Apparently Being Perfect is a Requirement

Friday’s Workout:
• The Dunes (2 hrs, 6 ½ climbs)
• 15-mile bike ride (1 ¾ hrs)
• 1-on-1 session (1 hr)

Last night I tried the Chinese Herb capsules to help me get to sleep. Unfortunately they didn’t work as well as I would have liked. The last time I saw the clock it was 3:00am, so I was extremely disturbed when the fire alarm went off at 4:00am! I was so disoriented that at first I thought it was just my alarm, and all I could think was I’m waking up the neighbors. It’s situated over the bed, so I thought maybe if I jumped up I could press the button to stop it. OK…imagine that at 4:00am…I’m in my pajamas, I’m in a daze, and I’m jumping up to reach the ceiling and the smoke alarm button. Of course I couldn’t reach it and each time I jumped I fell on my butt; thank goodness the bed has a really cushy mattress. Next I went to the bathroom, as you do when you first wake up, grabbed my robe and keys, and stepped into the hallway. The fire alarm in the hallway was going off, so it wasn’t just me. It went on for a couple of minutes. I was surprised that no one else was stepping out to see what was going on (in my hallway, anyway). I went back inside and looked through the windows….there were no lights in any of the apartments within my sight. Were all these people sleeping through this brain-piercing noise? The noise finally stopped, and I stepped into the hallway again. Somewhere someone in another apartment was confirming with another someone that it was a false alarm. Thank goodness for that. Then the damn thing went off again! It went on for a few seconds. Meanwhile, my heart rate was slowly coming back to normal. When the alarm first went off I thought my heart was going to pump itself right through my chest! I commented about the damn alarm on my Facebook status, and do you know that alarm went off AGAIN?! For heaven’s sake! Once it finally stopped, I returned to bed, but of course it took awhile to get back to sleep. I decided to change my alarms to let me sleep in an extra hour, if I could even get that hour. Since we were doing the Dunes today, I WAS going to TRY to bike to the Dunes (about 9 miles, including a massive hill), climb the stupid, f**king Dunes, and then bike back to the gym. But, as I had no more than 2 ½ solid hours of sleep, I knew that that was going to be physically impossible.

It was HOT today. There is no shade over any of the sand, and you know how hot the sand can be when it’s baking under the sun with no clouds up there. We started around 9:30-ish, so it wasn’t tooooo hot just yet, but by 11:30, it was not pleasant. I wear sand socks which prevent sand from getting in your toes and help grip the sand. By my 7th attempt, the sand was too hot and unbearable even for me wearing the socks and even for the trainer who had had enough, so I left it at a half-climb. Only 6 ½ today. Whatever. I only burned about 950 calories doing something I absolutely, positively, hate doing. It doesn’t make me feel good when I do it, it exhausts me, and it makes me not want to do anything else the rest of the day. And guess what…there ARE other pleasant, enjoyable ways to burn as many or more calories than climbing this big, stupid, hill of sand.

So, we get back to the gym for lunch and my favorite thing to do – the “Community Meeting” (can you detect my sarcasm?). As I’ve written before, I do not enjoy these meetings. We’re supposed to go around and talk about our highs and lows of the week and then give each other feedback. Well, usually this is a love fest and almost everyone sings each other’s praises. As you know I’ve been feeling less than perky for awhile and for me, my week was just average. I did everything I was supposed to do; I didn’t really achieve anything new, and so that’s what I said. I said that I would “keep my lows to myself” because I didn’t want to share them and as I’ve previously said, I don’t believe criticism should be given publicly. Someone reminded me that I had a 6-lb loss. OK, big deal. I’m supposed to lose weight every week. And I’m really tired of hearing “don’t be a slave to the scale” and “muscle weighs more than fat” and “the inches matter more.” And you know what, if I choose not to be excited about that, then that’s my damn problem, not anyone else’s! So I talked about how much I hate doing the Dunes, and I would rather do something else more enjoyable as another camper was doing; she comes to the Dunes with us and then walks and jogs the neighborhood which has a lot of hills and also climbs the stairs (I think) that are next to the Dunes, and burns more calories. She took offense to this and implied that I couldn’t keep up with her doing all that. OK, that’s not the fucking point….the point is she’s burning more calories doing an activity she would rather do, and that’s all I want. So then she says that I “should find joy in life” and that I “used to be inspiring.” FUCKING HELL! You know what? Nobody knows what’s going on in anyone’s life and has no fucking right to say “find some joy.” I have tons of joy in my life as all of my good friends and family know; I do not find joy in climbing that fucking hill of sand. And guess what?! I’m not attending this camp to be inspiring to anyone! I came here to improve my health and learn ways to live a better life. It’s NOT MY JOB TO INSPIRE ANYONE!! And I don’t HAVE to be happy with a smile on my face all the time!! It’s not my frickin’ responsibility to make anyone happy either. My only responsibility right now is to do everything that I’m physically able to do in order to lose weight and inches and improve my physical fitness and strengthen my heart. Y’know, this is now the THIRD time that I have been embarrassed in front of several others. I didn’t know that that was going to be part of the program! First I was a “little girl” and then a “crybaby” and now I’m “joyless and uninspiring.” SHIT! I can’t win for losing! I try keep to myself when I’m feeling down so that I don’t say anything negative and I choose not to engage in conversation but that is apparently not allowed. I’m supposed to be perfect and happy and inspiring all the time. No wonder I’m always exhausted and can’t sleep!

After this waste-of-my-time meeting ended, I had a break before having to do an hour of cardio. Well, I needed to get away from that place, which seems to be a recurring theme lately, so I decided to go for a bike ride. I hadn’t done a proper ride in about three weeks since my left shoulder and arm had been giving me trouble. I wasn’t wearing my bike shorts but I didn’t care. I had about 1 ¾ hours before my next training session so I just decided to go for 15 miles. As I said before it was a hot and sunny day (yes, I wore sunscreen!), and since it was Friday, I took the more difficult route, south towards Manhattan Beach, instead of going north through Venice Beach and Santa Monica Beach because the northern bike path route gets crowded with pedestrians (even though it says “bike path only”) and becomes an obstacle course for cyclists. Happily my arm didn’t go numb and my shoulder didn’t give me any trouble, so I guess I’m ready to get back on the bicycle for extended rides now. And guess what….I burned more calories doing this activity in slightly less time than climbing that stupid hill in two hours. Regrettably I returned a few minutes late for my next session ‘cause I didn’t plan my time accordingly. Before getting started though, I had a chat with Claire the counselor and Nicola the trainer/general manager about what happened in the meeting. I was furious by now ‘cause I had been thinking about it during the whole 15-mile ride. I just wish I had thought of those responses spontaneously at the meeting. That always happens, just like Meg Ryan in “You’ve Got Mail” – you think of a good response long after the fact. Anyway, remember the other day that I said I was going to stick to my guns, so I’m insisting on not attending those meetings anymore (not everyone does anyway) and not doing the Dunes (not everyone does anyway). I’ve already decided…next Friday, I’ll go for at least a 25-mile bike ride. Cycling works my thigh muscles just as much as the Dunes do, and I can keep a steady heart rate for the entire bike ride while my heart rate goes up and down while climbing the hill. Screw it. I know what’s best for me! Tomorrow, too, I’m not doing the beach boot camp. I hated it last Saturday because it felt like nothing I did was good enough; the sand just sucks the life out of me. So instead I’m going for a bike ride tomorrow. The most I’ve done is 18 miles, so I’ll do at least 20, and if I start early enough, I’ll do at least 25 miles. As I’m writing this, am I hearing thunder? Geez, I hope not…that would screw up my plans, wouldn’t it? (A quick weather check reveals that skies will be clear tomorrow. Whew!) Anyway, back to the meeting….I’m going to continue to do fewer group activities which suits me just fine. They still want me to climb the Dunes but I do not want to.

I had a final one-on-one session with Nicola. I find it so interesting that the hardest workouts are the ones that do NOT use weights. First we did some squats with kettlebell swings, but my hamstrings were still aching and tight from Tuesday’s hike, so we stretched them out. Next up I had to stand in ballet second position (i.e., feet spread apart, toes pointed out) and up on my toes, tuck in my tailbone, then squat down three times, going lower each time, before straightening my legs. Omigosh! Then Nicola had me stay in second position on my toes, but do a deep squat, and then slowly pulse up and down ten times. OK, this is one of those exercises that almost makes me puke! I can still say I have not puked from a workout yet! My quadriceps absolutely burned and I can feel the surge of fire rising in my throat. We did five sets of those three exercises then moved to the mat. By now, after the Dunes, the bike ride, the squats, and six weeks of inadequate sleep, my legs are just DONE. First I did a deep-squat balance on the Bosu Ball for ten seconds….it burns the quads but I can do these fairly well. Then I did cross-overs on the Bosu in which you have one foot on the ground and the other on the ball and do a deep squat, then jump over and do it on the other side. This is where the fatigue really came in. Then I did crunches. I like doing crunches on either the Bosu ball or a yoga ball because you get more range of motion; i.e., you can go further back to stretch your stomach and then get a really good crunch when you contract. After three sets of those three exercises, I got down on my hands and knees to do three different leg lifts on each leg for two sets. My butt muscles hurt now, baby! I’ll have to ask Nina to kneel on me again at my next massage ;-)

I was eager to get home and showered as I was planning on meeting my old Bermuda friend this evening, but his and his wife’s flight plans changed so I’m home typing and resting. On Saturday they are attending the Grateful Dead concert and I just might join them! I haven’t been to a proper, live, rock concert in ages. I’m glad for the rest tonight to give my legs a break. They worked hard today.

Hope your weekend has started well!